Life is not always fair!

Some people seem to go through life without a care or worry in the world.  My life has been anything but easy or fair.  I would often look at people walking down the street and wonder why some people had it so easy and I had to struggle through every minute.  The world has not been a happy place for me! 

My birth mother died when I was four.  All I really know about her is what my Grandma told me.  I know that I really wish that I had gotten to know her because she sounded like a great lady.  After my Mom died my Dad went off the deep end.  He was involved in partying with drugs, alcohol, and who knows what else.  The bottom line was that he gave me up to my adopted parents when I was just about eight.  He died a couple of years later.

My poor adopted parents were young and getting started with their own lives.  My Mom was pregnant with their first child and they got me.  I had a good heart but I had my fair share of open wounds from early childhood, so they had their work cut out for them. 

I grew up lost.  I didn’t know my place in the world.  Although my adopted parents and grandparents all treated me just like they did their own children, I still felt like I was outside the loop.  It was my own insecurities that made me feel this way.  Even with my friends I felt a part of the group, but outside of it at the same time.  They were cool and I wasn’t as cool as they were.  I knew who Jesus was but I didn’t know him.  Many times I got mad at God because I felt completely alone in this world.  Not to mention I was mad at him because he took my real family away. 

Finally I turned 18 and I could go out and start my own life.  I joined the Army and asked to be stationed as far away from Kansas as possible.  My wish was granted and I was stationed in Germany.  I had a love/hate relationship with the Army.  I liked the Army but I didn’t like my job and I hated running.  After two enlistments I decided that I had enough so I got out.   That and I was in a bad relationship that I wanted to get away from.  I still don’t know if it was the Army I was running from or the girl, either way I wasn’t handling the situation well. 

I moved to Hays and went to college, while there I met my future ex wife.  I felt so empty inside nothing I did made me happy, I was lucky to feel even satisfied with life.  I hated myself and I hated life in general.  I was ashamed of my past and I developed a very bad habit of trying to hide it.  It’s kind of funny to me now because it really wasn’t that bad, but I still was ashamed that I wasn’t perfect.  I lied all the time to everybody including myself.  Eventually my wife had enough and found herself another guy. 

My self-esteem was now absolutely nothing.  Not an hour went by where I really didn’t want to die and nothing made me feel better.  I was scared to die but I never wanted to face another day.  After I had destroyed all my relationships including my parents, I found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Now I was in a place where I didn’t know anybody and I was way too proud to ask for help from my parents or anybody else.  I had finally hit my all time low.

While in jail someone introduced me to Jesus.  I got to know him and it all seemed too good to be true.  Never the less I thought I would give him a try.  I knew that when I got out of jail I was in serious trouble.  There was no one in the world that would help me and I was completely out of money.  I literally had nothing.

My new friend Jesus was all I had.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit skeptical, but I did have an unexplained peace over me.  Then I was released and the worst thing I could have dreamed of happening, happened.  I got arrested two days later on an old warrent,  to be transferred to Hays, Kansas.   Thanks a lot Jesus I really thought you were going to help me out here!  This actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. 

The person who introduced me to Christ in Idaho, her uncle was best friends with the Pastor in LaCrosse.  So as soon as the Kansas issue was resolved I had a Church and help.  Come to find out the transfer to Kansas was not supposed to happen in the first place, but it somehow did.  I was never homeless or really even hungry.  The Lord helped me get on my feet quickly. 

Today I am a part of a Family that accepts me for who I am and not what I have done.  Jesus has allowed me and my adopted family to begin amends.  I really never believed that was even possible, but I am so very thankful that it is!  I have learned that everybody has struggles because we live in a world ruled by sin.  God gives us what we need to mature and grow not always what we want. Our best interest is always what he intends for us.  Life still is not always fair but I know without any doubt that Jesus will be there for me, and if he would be there for me he would be there for you.  

The biggest difference in my life now is that I am thankful for what I have and I am more concerned for people around me then myself.  I didn’t come to this on my own only Jesus and the Holy Spirit can accomplish this.  I spent most of my life spending every day wishing I was dead.  Now I look forward to living forever with Jesus.

Jason Williams